Breakthroughs begin in first ketamine session

Editor’s note: This is the third installment in “From doubt to discovery,” a six-part series chronicling Eden Prairie Local News contributor Rachel Engstrom’s experience with ketamine-assisted psychotherapy (KAP). In this piece, she reflects on her first session – a journey marked by vulnerability, unexpected metaphors, and the beginning of meaningful personal breakthroughs.

If you missed the start of her journey, you can read Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

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Arriving at Intero Psychedelic Therapy through Ellie Mental Health, I tried to keep my expectations in check. Both Dr. John and Alex had emphasized that the ketamine plan would reveal itself over time. While I appreciated their reassurance, I wasn’t entirely convinced. I’ve always preferred knowing what to expect so I can prepare mentally.

That morning, however, I arrived with a glaring oversight: I was wearing two different shoes. At first, I was embarrassed, but Alex and I soon laughed about it. The mismatched shoes unexpectedly became a metaphor for the duality within me – one shoe symbolizing my rigidity and self-doubt, the other my freer, more open self. This unintentional mismatch captured the internal conflict I’ve wrestled with for years and seemed fitting as I embarked on this journey of self-discovery.

Before the ketamine was administered, Alex helped me select a blanket and pillows from a variety of options, ensuring everything suited my preferences. Once I was comfortably reclined in a zero-gravity chair, with its adjustable head support and pillows arranged just right, I put on an eye mask and noise-canceling headphones, immersing myself in carefully curated music.

Liz Messing, a psychiatric nurse practitioner, entered with her calming presence and walked me through every step of the process.

“Now I’m applying rubbing alcohol; it might feel cold,” she explained.

She offered me the option to watch as the shot was administered, but I chose not to, focusing instead on the soothing tone of her voice.

The struggle with self-consciousness

My self-consciousness consumed the first 10 minutes of the session. I apologized profusely – for talking too much, for not talking enough, for simply being there. Then, I apologized for apologizing.

Alex, sitting next to me, reassured me with the mantra: “Allow what’s happening to happen.” I clung to those words, asking her to repeat them throughout the session. Slowly, I began to let go of the need to manage her perception of me and allowed myself to just be.

Discovering my own agency

Almost as soon as the ketamine took effect, I experienced a pivotal realization: I can do more for myself.

For years, I had carried the weight of tension in my shoulders, accepting it as an unchangeable part of my life. But during the session, this insight emerged with surprising clarity.

When I returned home, I began using tools I already had – a shoulder massager, hot baths, a microwavable heat wrap. Most important, though, was simply moving my shoulder whenever I thought about it. I’d long scrunched my shoulders during stress, confusion, or even as a way to self-soothe – like a small hug. Each time my shoulder reminded me of its presence, I rolled it 10 times.

Within days, this mindful movement made a noticeable difference. My left shoulder, once overwhelmed by countless gears grinding endlessly, felt more manageable – maybe 40 gears working together instead of 100 grinding against one another.

That small, empowering change became a reminder that I could advocate for and nurture myself in ways I had neglected.

Connection with mind and body

As the ketamine deepened its effects, I felt intense discomfort in my left shoulder, the spot where I’d carried tension for over 20 years. The sensation was distracting. I hesitated to ask Alex for help, afraid of being a bother.

After choking on the words a few times, I finally blurted out: “Could you press on my left shoulder?”

She agreed easily, applying a gentle but deliberate touch. The relief was immediate – physically and emotionally.

For years, I’d avoided asking for help, dismissing my needs as unimportant. This simple act felt life-changing.

Lessons in asking for help

The moment I asked Alex to press on my shoulder was transformative. I’d often dismissed my needs as burdensome. But her willingness to help taught me the value of leaning on others.

By the end of the session, I was less inclined to apologize and more focused on expressing gratitude. That shift felt monumental, like I was beginning to rewrite how I relate to myself and others.

Gratitude as an anchor

Gratitude became a grounding tool during the session. When discomfort or anxiety crept in, I thought of my nephew, Walker, whose joy and curiosity always lift my spirits. That thought brought lightness to vulnerable moments and reminded me of the connection in my life.

Reclaiming my identity as a dancer

Midway through the session, my hands began moving rhythmically, instinctively waving in front of my face. Without thinking, I said: “I am a dancer.”

The words surprised me. It had been over two decades since I identified that way.

Dancing had once been a core part of who I was – a source of joy and self-expression. But I had buried that identity, dismissing it as impractical. Another part of me resisted the statement, and I realized how much I’d internalized the rigidity of my upbringing.

Alex’s gentle reminder to “allow what’s happening to happen” gave me permission to reconnect with that forgotten part of myself.

The landing

Alex explained the comedown perfectly: it’s like landing a plane. The ketamine wore off gradually, not suddenly.

When they asked how I felt, I quipped, “Short.”

At 5-foot-2, it felt extra noticeable surrounded by two tall women. They laughed with me, and the moment left me feeling seen and supported.

Looking ahead

As I walked out of the session – still wearing two different shoes – I felt a mix of exhaustion and exhilaration. The experience had opened a door to parts of myself I hadn’t accessed in years.

For the first time in a long time, I felt ready to face what comes next.

Next week: A second ketamine session brings new breakthroughs – and deepens the work of healing, reframing, and reflection.